Situation guideAny grade
What to Do When Your Child Says “I Don't Understand”
"I don't understand" can mean the instructions, one word, the method or the idea. Five steps to find which one, shown on a single word problem, and what to do when a step stalls.
"I don't understand," your child says, and the pencil goes down before the question has really been read. It is the third time tonight, on a page with four lines. You want to help, but first you need to know what the trouble actually is.
One sentence, four different problems
"I don't understand" can mean four things. It might be the instructions, one word, the method, or the idea itself. Young children often cannot say which, because to them the whole page just feels wrong.
Each one needs different help. Explaining subtraction again will not help a child who is stuck on the words "how many more". The five steps below find the stuck part, and your child still does the thinking.
Five steps on one shells question
"Mia has 12 shells. Sam has 7. How many more shells does Mia have?" Your seven-year-old reads it and says, "I don't understand."
- Read it aloud. Ask your child to read the question to you slowly, or read it together. Sometimes hearing it is enough.
- Say what it means. Ask, "What do you think it wants you to do?" Accept a rough guess in their own words.
- Find the exact word or step. Ask, "Which part stops you?" Here it is often "how many more". Line up 12 buttons and 7 buttons, and ask how many extra buttons the longer row has.
- Work one similar question together, such as Tom with 14 marbles and Ana with 8. Your child works out how many more Tom has, 14 − 8 = 6, while you only ask questions.
- Try the original again. Hand back the shells question and say nothing. Your child works out 12 − 7 = 5.
Answer: Mia has 5 more shells. The stuck part was the words "how many more", not the subtraction.
When a step stalls
1. Is your child tired or upset right now?
- Yes: Stop for tonight. The same question will feel smaller tomorrow.
- No: go to question 2
2. Can your child say, in their own words, what the question asks?
- Yes: go to question 3
- No: The wording is the trouble. Read it together and point to the word that matters, such as "more", "left" or "altogether". Ask what that word means in everyday life.
3. Can they do a similar question with you, using small numbers?
- Yes: go to question 4
- No: The idea is new to them. Look at the class example or notes together, then do one question side by side.
4. Did the original question work on the second try?
- Yes: Tell them what helped, such as "You found the tricky word yourself." Then let them carry on alone.
- No: Show just the step they are stuck on, using a different question. Then hand the original back and stop talking.
Wait longer than feels natural
After each question, give your child time. Count to ten in your head before you speak. A pause that feels long to you may be exactly the time a child needs to find the words.
Try not to finish their sentences or point at the answer. The aim is for your child to hear themselves work it out.
Knowing when to stop
Decide on a limit before you start, such as fifteen minutes on one question. When you reach it, stop for the night, solved or not.
If the same kind of question stops your child again, send the teacher a short note saying which step was the sticking point. If it goes on for weeks, ask for a short meeting.
The next time you hear "I don't understand", start with step one: ask your child to read the question aloud to you, and then wait.
Questions parents ask
What if they say it about every question?
Use the five steps on the first question only. Once that one makes sense, the next often goes faster.
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